


Till I Lost

by orphan_account



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, More characters to be added, junhao will probably be included but im not sure sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 15:40:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11717382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jihoon thought he knew what love was until Seungcheol was gone. He was still getting used to being on his own when he met Soonyoung.





	1. Prologue

He was alive. The heart monitor said so. The routined sounds hit Jihoon’s ears, reminding him of his boyfriend’s situation. Although the marking of his heartbeats comforted Jihoon that Seungcheol was still alive, it hurt him to be reminded of what had happened. He was alive. But he didn’t _look _alive. His once tanned skin was pale and his eyes weren’t open. His black hair was too neat for his liking - Jihoon knew that, and he continuously ran his fingers through it to messen it up.__

__“If you wake up,” Jihoon whispered. He held Seungcheol’s hand tightly in his. “I’ll marry you. I don’t care that you’re only twenty-one and I’m not even twenty yet. I’ll do it. I'll buy you a diamond ring and I’ll fall to one knee, with a loving speech that took me hours to prepare. We’ll say our vows wherever you like. And we’ll adopt kids, three boys and a girl, just like you want. We’ll be a family. And we’ll die old, warm in our beds together. Just...please, please wake up, Seungcheol.”_ _

__He would do anything to see Seungcheol’s bright brown eyes shining again, to admire the shades that lay embedding around his pupils. Jihoon adored them. He adored everything about his beautiful boyfriend. He wouldn’t know what he would do without him. He couldn’t imagine life without him._ _

__That’s what made it so difficult when the heart monitor announced that Seungcheol was gone._ _

__Tears flowed from Jihoon’s eyes as his mind registered the fact that the coma had taken Seungcheol. That his strong boyfriend wasn’t strong enough to wake up. That his one and only was dead. That his shared home was now just his. And that he would never again kiss those plump lips or hold Seungcheol’s warm hand._ _

__Seungcheol was dead and never coming back._ _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isnt proofread im sorry

Jihoon stared at the Christmas card in front of him on the table. He had signed it off with ‘Jihoon + Seungcheol’. He sighed and crossed out his ex-boyfriend’s name, sealing the card in an envelope. He labelled it “Chan” with a smiley face and a sticker for good measure. Jihoon added it to the pile, sleepily rubbing his eyes. It was almost 2am. The 22 year old was glad he didn’t have work the next morning.

His tired mind decided it was definitely time for bed. He swapped his jeans and sweater for pajama shorts and a large hoodie that wasn’t his. He didn’t settle down in the middle of the bed - he lay on the right. Jihoon turned off the main light but he allowed the glow of the lamp on his bedside table. It was a habit he couldn’t bear to part with - as well as the key underneath the stone by the front door. In case Seungcheol came around. But he knew he wouldn’t.

Recently, the small boy had finally gotten used to the cold of the bed. He still missed having warm buff arms hold him close, with the heat radiating from each other’s bodies. Tonight it felt particularly absent. It was the kind that he knew would make Seungcheol pull him close, cuddling his face into his neck, his arm around Jihoon and Jihoon’s hand on Seungcheol’s back. Jihoon swallowed back tears. It had been over two years now. He kept on telling himself he was fine. He kept telling everyone he was fine.

 

Jihoon was startled to awake to the sound of someone moving around his house. He sat up, confusion making itself at home in his mind, as there was a gentle knock on his door. It opened and his younger friend’s head popped around the wood.

“Oh, hey, Chan,” Jihoon mumbled, rubbing his eyes. He wondered if he was dreaming. He didn’t know why else he would be here.

“Hello,” Chan’s small voice was soft and sweet, and it almost made Jihoon smile. “I hadn’t seen or heard from you for a week or so. I just wanted to know you’re okay.”

“I’m good,” the older boy replied with a nod. “Thank you,” he added. Chan smiled.

“I’ll try and make you some breakfast with whatever you’ve got,” he said. “I’m hoping you have bacon and eggs. You need feeding. You’re skinny.”

Chan left the room, leaving Jihoon to listen to him busying himself around his kitchen. Jihoon knew he was lucky to have such kind and caring friends. He was extremely grateful to have them, especially after Seungcheol’s death. They were the reason Jihoon faked his happiness everyday.

By now it was just a common habit to put on a smile and pretend he had moved on from Seungcheol. If anyone asked if he was looking for a boyfriend or if he was ready to date again, he’d simply shrug and say he was focusing more on his music. In reality it saddened him to even see another couple - which was possibly the one pro of his two friends’ recent break up.

His friend Jeonghan, who most people knew as the one person who looked like a perfect representation of genderfluid and left everyone wondering if he was a girl or a boy, randomly showed up on his doorstep one evening with his mascara running down his cheeks. Jihoon was startled and unsure what to do, so he simply let him in and hugged him as he cried, listening to how he and his boyfriend Joshua had yelled at each other for some reason or another and eventually Jeonghan broke up with him and left. Jihoon decided it was so much easier to remain single.

“Have you seen Jeonghan recently?” Jihoon asked, now dressed casually and joining Chan in the kitchen.

“I saw him yesterday,” Chan answered, quickly serving his older friend a glass of cranberry juice. “He’s still wallowing in his tears.”

“A week of crying,” Jihoon knew the feeling, despite the end of their relationships being extremely different. “Maybe I’ll go see him some time tomorrow, I’d like a distraction from producing for a while.”

“Eh, he’ll be fine,” Chan shrugged. “You know Jeonghan - he’ll just have a couple of beers then give it two days, tears or no tears, then go down to a gay bar and have a drink before flirting with any eye candy he can find.”

“Sounds like a life of luxury,” Jihoon snorted, slipping into a red seat at the breakfast bar as Chan slipped a plate in front of him - bacon and eggs, like he’d promised.

“Well,” The youngest boy hesitated before saying what he wanted to say. “It’s certainly more of a life than yours. Yours is a circle, Jihoon. A loop of working and sleeping and maybe some food. The most exciting change in your life in the past two years has been maybe when someone comes over to be sure you’re fine or invites you over.”

“My life is exciting!” Jihoon argued. It wasn’t. “I’ve been playing around and stuff. I was good on the piano last Saturday at a wedding. I’m playing at a party on Friday- When is Friday? Tomorrow? Shit.” Chan laughed. He was willing to bet money on saying that Jihoon was one of the most unorganized people in the world.

“It’s nearly Christmas so I’ll buy you a planner,” he offered with a grin. Jihoon rolled his eyes.

Jihoon made money by producing and playing gigs here and there. He had started out in hotels but had now gained popularity at weddings and parties. His soft voice was easy to listen to and his skills on guitar and piano seemed endless. 

“Anyways, I thought Josh was staying with you?” Chan changed the subject. Jeonghan and Joshua lived together, but now they had broken up Joshua had taken shelter with Jihoon.

“Yeah, I thought so too,” Jihoon shrugged. “He just never returned last night. Like that pet duck my neighbour had when I was like, four. I think Josh is with another friend. I’m not an exciting host and I’m rarely in.”

“Have you heard from him?”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m not worried.”

“It’s rather uncharacteristic of him not to tell you,” Chan frowned.

“Sadness does things to you,” Jihoon said softly. He knew only too well. “I haven’t seen him since yesterday morning, it hasn’t been that long. I’m sure he’s alive and kicking. Well, not kicking because he’s Josh-”

“Rambler,” Chan giggled. Jihoon blushed and apologized. Rambling had become a habit since Seungcheol had passed. It was almost as if Jihoon was trying to do anything that wouldn’t mean he thought of him.

The two finished their meal in silence. Chan was pleased to see that Jihoon finished his - the pool of grief had taken out his will to eat properly. He wondered if he was okay living on his own, but he said nothing, for he had done so in the past and it had turned Jihoon bitter for the rest of the day.

Chan was three years younger than Jihoon. He also lived alone, but unlike Jihoon, he was often out with friends and socialising. He was one of Jihoon’s closest friends. He or Jeonghan were always the first to check on him when he shut the world out for a few weeks.

“Have you been okay lately?” Chan asked. Jihoon sighed. Here we go.

“I’ve been fine.”

“What have you been up for the last week, then?”

“Working,” Jihoon said. “That’s why I shut everyone out for a bit.” Chan stared at him. He stared for several minutes, watching Jihoon fiddle with his fingers. He saw that his eyes no longer shone.

“You’re not over him,” he said at last.

Jihoon was quiet. Then he nodded. “I know. But I’m fine, Chan, trust me. I’ll be okay.” The younger sighed and wrapped his arms around him. Jihoon didn’t pull away. He didn’t hug back, either. He stared at the empty plate in front of him.

“I’m going to go,” said Chan, after a few minutes. “I’ve got work.”

“Yeah,” Jihoon nodded. “See you later. Thanks for breakfast.”

Chan bobbed his head with a flash of a smile. He grabbed his coat and left. Jihoon sighed.

Seungcheol’s death had affected Jihoon the most. He rarely felt anything and he no longer cared about anything. He put on a smile and faked his laughter. Jihoon knew he wasn’t the only one still hurting.

Seungcheol had been best friends with Jeonghan since they were toddlers. Jeonghan didn’t laugh as loud as he used to, or smile as wide as he once did. Jihoon understood his pain. And Jeonghan understood his. But neither said a thing and both pretended they were okay.

Jihoon held his head in his hands. He wished Chan had stayed. He was normally alone, but now he was suddenly lonely. Chan didn’t know how to handle Jihoon’s mess of emotions. 

Eventually he moved to the sofa and fell asleep.


End file.
